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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Rejected III
Third in a regular series of rejected freelance pieces.

MOVING ON UP
And Here’s to You, Ms. Onyango

When ABC told a snickering nation it was a done deal – Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, would move into the White House with the family – the nation’s great Anonymous typers went only mildly apeshit.

None of them, at least on the ABC site, brought up the True Fact that B. HUSSEIN Obama and his wife are terrorist Muslins, or that Mrs. Robinson does whatever it is nice old middle-class black ladies do – like voodoo with LIVE GOATS! Their restraint in the face of such blackness was admirable.

After all, if Mrs. Bush’s mother had moved into the White House with the family, I would have done nothing but make jokes about Pall-Malls and Vicodin for the past eight years, and if Mr. Bush’s mother had moved into the White House with the family, I wouldn’t have been able to snarl a word except cunt.

Bush Derangement Syndrome, indeed!

Luckily, the nation is more generous than I, and faced with Michelle’s mother coming along for the FREE RIDE and to help with the girls, they were only mildly racist and not more than usually stupid.

The sharpest and most with-it commenters had an undeniable point, and had clearly been reading their News (or listening to their Limbaugh): When is Smooth B gonna move in his aunt, first-generation Bostonian Zeituni Onyango? What about her? OMG ILLEGALZ WTF FTW! OMG BARACK OBAMA HAS AN EXTENDED FAMILEE HE HAS NO CONTROL OVER EEK KENYAN PERSON RUN!

Onyango, as the Phoenix’s with-it and in-the-know readers are already aware, is Barack Obama’s “Auntie Zeituni.” She came to the US and applied for asylum, which was later denied but she totally stayed anyway apparently not caring that we are a Nation of Laws and that Boston’s not that big on racial transcendence. She lived in public housing for sad cripples – a hippie ’70s-era consent decree bars states from denying housing to illegal immigrants even though they are illegal (and sad and crippled) – and is clearly poised to move into the White House with the nephew she met once, which is totally completely the same thing as one’s mother-in-law moving in whether or not she’s helping with your elementary-school-age children. (Personally, I’d like to see Mrs. Robinson waited on hand and foot and sucking up drycleaning services and electricity whether she was there to watch the girls or not. “I have candy, they stay up late — come to my house, they watch TV as long as they want to. We’ll play games until the wee hours. I do everything that grandmothers do that they’re not supposed to,” she told some interviewer somewhere, which is good enough for me.)

The less informed commenteriat, on the other hand, spoke of Mrs. Robinson “milking” the taxpayers; they bitched about paying “for her gourmet meals, heat, air conditioning, electric, laundry, cleaning and such” and surmised “Maybe the other relatives from Kenya now can move in too.” They spelled the word discusting with a c. They spoke of moving in the rest “of the ‘hood’” and name-checked George Jefferson, the spazzy, angry, drycleaner midget who is naturally the first person you think of when you think of Cool Barry O.

EXCEPT NUH-UH! If the Obamas were characters in The Jeffersons, Barack Obama would not be George Jefferson! Michelle clearly would be Louise – gracious, warmhearted, together. Mrs. Robinson by default would be Mother Jefferson, so she’ll have to start practicing being a mean old cuss right quick. Malia and Sasha would be Will Smith on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (due to the adorableness; parents just don’t understand). Auntie Zeituni would be the Russian interpreter neighbor who always wants George to walk on his back (due to her foreignness and state of cripple). Laura Bush would be Edith Bunker, a not-terrible woman married to it. Rahm Emanuel would be the door guy with his nine-and-a-half fingers out, ready for his tip. There would be no George Jefferson, because nobody wants a bigotty case of apoplexy near the button: Barack would be Lenny Kravitz instead. You could look it up!

Let love rule.